This past week was my last with the kids on my own. I thought I'd do something a little special for my two oldest girls, namely spending 100 yen on a stupid candy and make it with them in class.
I thought I'd have to do a repeat of a previous candy, but I lucked out at the supermarket with this super kakko ii looking Nazo Nazo Neru Neru! You get two flavors and mix it to create a third one. Added sprinkle bonus for teh lulz.
I like that he's saying YOISHO!
We had fun for like 10 minutes and they ate it all. Uhn, on the right, said, "I DON'T LIKE BANANA OR MELON SODA," but she still ate all of it.
I'll miss these two. Not in a OMG CRYING SO SAD way, but they're funny and well-adjusted young ladies that I know won't fail at life. I hope my replacement will have fun with them.
It's been a while since I've had one of these posted, eh? Early in the term, I concluded that my kids this year are TOTALLY lame. Last year I had at least one class a day I could look forward to, and now I'm lucky if I manage to crack a genuine smile in class.
One of the few classes I like this term is my Saturday afternoon class with two middle school girls. They became friends very quickly and I can usually understand the things they blabber about in Japanese. I should be harder on them when it comes to speaking English, but they're my second to the last class every week and I'm running on fumes by then.
For whatever reason, we were talking about famous old white people in the textbook. There was one very interesting person in there we had to cover:
Less offensive than the real thing!
Me: OK, who was Adolf Hitler?
Girls: *Blank stares*
Me: OMG really? World War 2? He killed all the Jews? WHAT DO THEY TEACH YOU IN SCHOOL THESE DAYS???
Uhn: (so nicknamed for her favorite one-word response) AH I know! I know! He was very bad man!
Me: Yes, I suppose that is the absolute nicest way to put it.
Uhn: *explaining in Japanese to classmate* He killed all the Jewish people. They believe in God or something. Wasn't he French?
Me: NO HE WAS NOT FRENCH.
Another sometimes funny class is a group of elementary schoolers. We were playing Hangman and they had to spell "diaper." Each person gets a turn to guess a letter and the letters up on the board were I, A, and E.
Crayon Shinchan: (only because he looks like Shinosuke) *looking confused and uncertain*
Bad Comedian: (he thinks he's funny) T. T!!!
Shinchan: T? *looks at BC*
BC: Yes! T!
Shinchan: T? *looks at classmates* T?
Everyone else: *giving knowing smiles and giggles*
Shinchan: T!
Me: WRONG.
Everyone else and BC: BWAHAHAHAHAHA.
A week and a half left at the job! I can't say I'll miss more than a handful of them, in part because manager gave away all my favorites this term because she is an awful person. Yay!
I've been watching a lot of videos from MEGWIN, a hilarious Japanese YouTuber who uploads videos daily of him and his buddies doing stupid things. They're quick and easy videos that don't require a whole lot of language skills to understand, but there was one that I didn't quite get.
I understood the words spoken even without the help of subtitles, but the cultural tradition he's referencing was completely unknown to me. You give your second button to someone? Or they ask for it? What?
Good thing I teach English to two Japanese boys who just graduated from high school! I asked each of them about this second button tradition.
Me: You know MEGWIN?
Mittens: Japanese comedian? Yes, I know him.
Me: Yeah so I was watching one of his videos and he had this thing about the second button on a uniform. What's that all about?
Mittens: Um... I think boys give their buttons to girls.
Me: (remembered Mittens goes to an all boys school) Ah, so you didn't give yours away. What do girls do with the button?
Mittens: I don't know, I'm not a girl.
Me: OK smarty pants. Why the second one? That's stupid, you totally ruin the look of the uniform. Giving one from your sleeve or maybe the last button wouldn't be as noticeable.
Mittens: I don't know.
Me: OK Slightly Racist Teenager. Explain this second button business.
Slightly Racist Teenager: Girls ask for buttons from guys they like, or boys give their buttons to girls they like.
Me: Why the second one?
SRT: I don't know.
Me: Did you give your second button to anyone???
SRT: Um uh eeehh... I gave it to my friend.
Me: REALLY? YOUR FRIEND? :D
SRT: Ah eeehh... yes?
Me: Uh huh, ok Slightly Racist Teenager... what do girls do with the buttons?
SRT: I don't know.
Me: You don't make like a cell phone charm out of it or put it somewhere?
SRT: I don't know.
Frustrated with the boys' answers, I asked Brohei-sensei about this as well. I realize this is not a conversation with a student but it's informative!
Me: I asked Mittens and Slightly Racist Teenager about the second button thing, but they didn't know what girls do with the buttons once they get them.
Brohei: Yeah, I don't know either.
Me: Did anyone ask for your button? You had a girlfriend in high school!
Brohei: Actually... I don't think she asked for mine! Maybe she asked for someone else's button?
Me: LOL THAT IS TERRIBLE. Why the second one?
Brohei: I think it's because it's close to your heart.
Me: AAAWWWW that's cute. Do some girls try to get as many buttons as they can? Like to brag about later? I think I'd try to collect as many as I could then make a cell phone strap!
Brohei: LOL maybe! I don't know. But it's an old tradition since a lot of uniforms have blazers and not the kind with the collar and buttons.
What uniforms on real teenage boys tend to look like.
I think it's a cute tradition! Brohei asked me if we did anything similar in America and the only thing I could think of was giving your class ring to someone. Someone tell me what the girls do with the buttons!!!
I know I write about the same kids all the time, but they are hilarious and deserve their own TV show or corner on a Japanese news program.
LOL Google image search.
Last chapter we were describing people's looks. Not just hair but also facial features, eye color, etc. I asked them about celebrities, their families, and other significant people in their lives - including their teachers.
Me: BOY. What does Brohei-sensei look like?
Boy: He has short black hair, black eyes, and... uh...
Unrequited Love Girl: HE HAS RED FACE.
*Class devolves into laughter*
*Brohei-sensei just so happens to teach in the room next door, disapprovingly peeks in*
*Cue uncontrollable laughter*
After class ends, Brohei-sensei barges in.
Brohei: *In Japanese, with fake anger* Who made the red face comment? Huh? I have a red face?
*More uncontrollable laughter*
Brohei: *Still in Japanese* YOU HAVE A RED FACE, TOO, UNREQUITED LOVE GIRL.
That's how you protect identities in photos, right? Black line across the eyes? LOL. We both had the same amount of alcohol, notice who's still white as a ghost~
I like to ask this class random questions throughout the lesson. They're all very high-level so I try to keep them talking.
Me: *Shuffling cards* Twihard, what's your favorite color?
Twihard: I like blue.
Me: Alice in Wonderland, what's your favorite candy?
Wonderland: I like Natchan candy!
Me: Unrequited Love Girl, what's your favorite ramen?
Unrequited Love Girl: I like salt ramen (shio ramen).
Me: BOY. What's your favorite yakiniku meat?
Boy: MY MEAT.
Me: *Cute EXCUSEMEDIDYOUJUSTTALKABOUTYOURWEEWEE face* I was looking for something more along the lines of tongue, beef, chicken...
Boy: Oh... beef.
I can't get my high school boys to even talk about Valentine's Day but somehow I managed to get the middle school boy to make an inappropriate joke. Great.
A few weeks ago my older kids were learning hair words and making sentences describing their own coifs. Most of the kids I teach would have found the original language to be too easy, so I added a few awesome words and flashcards.
I Apologize for Not Representing Black People side note: I did make a card for the term "dreadlocks," but it didn't fit in nicely for the language pattern. You can't say, "I have a long black dreadlocks." Screw English and its countable nouns. But don't worry, every Japanese kid knows the term "afro" and assumes it is a ridiculously gigantic orb of black hair on a person's head.
At one point in each lesson, I gave the kids some paper and crayons. I told them to pick cards and draw that hairstyle, however strange it may be. Here's some of their artwork.
Long black perm.
Long red hair.
Doraemon with a mohawk.
Not actually the hair lesson but hilarious anyway.
Once a week I am blessed to be in the presence of five very high-level older elementary school students. They range in age from 10 to 12, and they're all very well-rounded kids who tend to have a little too much fun in my class. There are four girls and one boy, so naturally the boy gets picked on a lot.
Photo mostly unrelated. I did make those at work :)
In Ms. Carly's class, Japanese is never to be spoken unless you want your chair taken away. But they're not quite old enough to have learned swear words in English, so the girls recently figured out a clever way to insult the boy. Apparently he had been doing some impersonation or generally acting stupid the entire class, so the girls had to point it out.
Unrequited Love Girl: Carly, Carly! The Boy is a B-A-K-A (idiot).
Other three girls: AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Idol Girl: No, no, he is H-E-N-T-A-I.
The Boy: *Thinks for a moment* Japanese is hentai (horny/perverted).
Girls: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
ULG: Ah no he is... S-U-K-E-B-A!
Me: B-A? Are you sure? I think it's B-E.
ULG: B-E?
Me: S-U-K-E-B-E. Not sukeba.
ULG: Ah okay. The Boy is S-U-K-E-B-E (pervert/lecherous).
Other three girls: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Twihard: The Boy is so funny... *nearly dies laughing*
At this point everyone, including The Boy, are in tears from laughing so hard. Unrequited Love Girl (she has a pencil case that says that) was clutching her stomach saying it hurt from laughing, and that in turn made everyone laugh MORE. I'm surprised no one came in to see what all the noise was about.
Recently I got mad at a four-year-old. I usually get mad at four-year-olds for things like whining, crying, or generally being impudent, but this time it was over something more legitimate.
I teach one little girl who is very high-level and knows quite a bit of English. Her mother is fairly conversational and her grandmother speaks very well. The little girl knows the alphabet and knows the difference between uppercase and lowercase letters.
Obviously this child's name isn't Noob, but it's actually a very convenient substitute for her name.
Me: Okay Noob, where is little "o?" Like in your name, you have two, N-o-o-b.
Noob: No! (In Japanese:) That's not like my name.
Me: Excuse me? *Writes N-o-o-b on the board* *Points to "o"* Okay so this letter isn't "o?"
Noob: *Obviously thinking* (In Japanese:) It's "o" but not like my name.
Me: OMG. I promise you, this is how you spell your name.
Noob: No!
Me: OKAY FINE. *Hands her a board marker* How do you write your name?
Noob: *Writes N-O-O-B in all uppercase letters*
Me: OMG I am fighting with a four-year-old over letters...
Highlight of my English teaching career, obviously.
Me: Tell me a story. A funny story, like the time your friend had his crepe stolen from him by a crow.
SRT: Ah... *Thinks for a moment* On the news they have an English corner. They teach you words. Last week they had "muffin top."
Me: Oh no...
SRT: Yes and my mother said, "Oh I don't know that," but I knew *grin*.
Me: Of all the things I've tried to teach you...
Dearest Caroline relayed this one to me about one of her own Despondent Teenagers. We have lots of siblings at our school, and her DT has a younger brother who is a bit heavier.
Caroline: How are you?
DT: Tired.
Caroline: How's your brother?
DT: Fat.
And you know what his brother told me when I had him for a private lesson?
Me: Why do you like English?
Fat Younger Brother: *In Japanese* Because my brother does it.
Me: *Knowing about his brother's comment* Awwww you are so precious...
Recently the two brothers were in the lobby of the school together. Despondent Teenager came out from class and was none too happy that his younger brother was going on about something and very excited to see him. He quickly put on his shoes and went outside to get his umbrella, and I motioned to him to come back inside to wait for his brother.
INSTEAD he sticks his head in the door and says, "See you!" and waves goodbye to his poor little admirer.
For the older and more capable students, I often start with an activity on the board called "Story Time." I leave about four simple questions for the students to answer whenever they happen to roll into class. The last question is usually, "How are you?"
The boys give great answers.
Q: How are you? Why?
A: I'm good. (Reconsiders this, erases it.) NO.
Me: (Watching student write this) NO is not an emotion or an appropriate answer, Slightly Racist Teenager.
SRT: Yes but... Ah, wait... *writes JUST NORMAL*
Me: *facepalm* OK, you didn't answer WHY.
Q: How are you? Why?
A: I'm confused.
Me: Why are you confused, Mittens?
Mittens: Because a policeman yelled at me. I don't know why.
Me: Where were you? By the Koban (police box by the station)?
Mittens: No, I was by my house. He told me, "Be careful," but I wasn't doing anything.
Me: Well... I don't know, either.
And turn your head sideways for this one, didn't want to upload nicely.
He admitted to me later in class he hadn't seen the entire film but wanted to draw it anyway.
I have one kid who sometimes is a pain but can be pretty hilarious if he's in a good mood.
Like many other kids his age, or really half of Japan, he's obsessed with One Piece. I asked him about his weekly schedule and he told me he always watches the anime on the weekends.
Me: On Sunday you watch One Piece?
DT: Yes.
Me: *Writes ONE PIECE on the board*
DT: WAIT WHAT NO I NO I. NOT ONE PIECE.
Me: This is how you spell One Piece, DT.
DT: No no no no... *Gets whiteboard marker* *Writes ONE PEASE* Wait what... what???? EH???
Me: OMG.
DT: *Double checks all his One Piece merchandise but can't find the name anywhere*
Me: IT'S ONE P-I-E-C-E.
DT: EH??? *Flips open his cell phone, fiddles for a good 2 minutes* Ah, ok One Piece. OK I.
Me: OMG. Sit down and open your textbook.
Recently, I've been trying to teach some of the older boys the kinds of things my brothers used to pull on me when I was their age. One of them being UP HIGH, DOWN LOW, TOO SLOW - you offer your hand as a high five, complete said high five, subsequently offer a low five, but move your hand away before your partner can actually make contact with your hand.
I may be an IRL troll, but it's hilarious to watch.
Teaching English is even harder.
I was trying to teach one of my favorite classes this timeless prank:
Me: I should teach you guys something! Hey #1 (the older boy in class, 12 years old) high five - UP HIGH!
#1: *Completes high five*
Me: *Moves hand* OK DOWN LOW!
#1: *Looks confused* What?
Me: Gimme five! Come on!
#1: *Attempts low five*
Me: *Pulls away hand* TOO SLOW! HAHA. You get it? Try it with #2 (younger boy, 11 years old). Make like you're gonna do a high five. GREAT. Now you say "UP HIGH!"
#1: Up high! *Completes high five* Down low! *Moves hand away* AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Me: You have to say TOO SLOW #1! Nevermind. Okay, #2, you try!
#2: Up high!
#1: Oppai (boobs)??? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
#2: OPPAI!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Me: NOT OPPAI! UP HIGH! UP HIGH! Gaaah you two...
These two also call Super Mario Brothers the Super Mario Brassiere, because "brothers" (bu-ra-za) and "brassiere" (bu-ra-jyaa) sound similar when katakana-ized.
*I don't want to talk about WORK necessarily, but I think it would be fine for me to share some of the funnier things my students tell me. It's sometimes very enlightening!*
My grandmother student is one of my favorites. I showed her an article about superstitions related to food, like making wishes on birthday cakes and how it's bad luck to spill salt. At one point the article talked about how couples in America sometimes take the top tier of the wedding cake home, freeze it, and eat it on their first anniversary for good luck.
Google Search is so great.
Grandma recalled going to a wedding some years ago at a hotel. "The hotel server cut a very small piece of the base of the cake for each person and you could eat that. The rest of the cake was fake, only to look at!"
WHAT.
"Maybe you can take pictures of the bride and groom cutting the cake. It's only for entertainment."
I told her the cake is almost as important as the dress to some people (it certainly will be for me om nom nom). People spend a lot of time and money on the cake's design and flavors, and many couples hire specific bakeries to make them.
"You hire bakers? Wow, so amazing. Sometimes the bride and groom make the cake themselves!"
If I'm planning a wedding WHEN WOULD I EVEN HAVE TIME TO BAKE A CAKE.
"At weddings maybe there are better desserts. You don't have to only eat the cake."
